Peter Post doesn’t like the term “gentleman.” The Director of the Emily Post Institute feels that word connotes a measure of insincerity. Mr. Post avoids using it with clients and in his writing, as it conjures up images of courtly behavior, performance and falsity.

At least, this is what I assume when he balks at my mention of the word. I tell him I concur with him, to a point, and we agree that appearing less than genuine, or put-on, with respect to one’s behavior—even good behavior—is greatly damaging. It is, in short, poor etiquette.

The essence of etiquette, for Mr. Post can be encapsulated in three words: consideration, respect, and honesty. In all arenas, and in every sticky situation, Post feels that acting in accordance with the aforementioned will accomplish the dual goal of building relationships and averting disaster.

More specifically, Mr. Post has three recommendations for the man seeking to behave properly…and fortunately, memorizing a list of rules is not one of them.

• Think before you act, always.
• Choose a course of action which builds and edifies relationships, even if it is conflict with one’s self-interest.
• Strive to act in an authentic, sincere manner.

The popular Etiquette at Work column in the Boston Globe has exposed Mr. Post to the full-spectrum of work-related etiquette queries. For example, Mr. Post was contacted regarding how to deal with a coworker who was clipping his toenails in his cubicle at work.  The advice, should you be so unlucky as to encounter a similar situation, is to speak with the offender immediately and indicate the damaging effects of a behavior which is entirely socially unacceptable.

With respect to our collective level of rudeness, Mr. Post feels that there has been a persistent decline in our level of civility over the past twenty years. He points to the bitterness of public debates, such as present acrimony in Congress, as evidence.

He is encouraged, though, by what he sees as a recent public awareness of this problem and an increase in calls for civility and understanding. For example, Mr. Post views President Obama’s pleas for better behavior between political rivals and citizens affiliated with opposing parties as a good sign.

The popularity of Mr. Post’s Essential Manners For Men and its continual republication are surely good signs, as well. The recent rise in popularity of websites such as The Art of Manliness is encouraging, also. So too, is the fact that Brett McKay of the aforementioned site has successfully published an etiquette tract and a reflection on virtue. Perhaps, we are heading in the right direction.

Obligation is the lubricant of functional public life and an understanding of the concept is a significant component of being headed in “the right direction.” I believe that coming out of the womb into a civil society, one is girded with certain duties. Certainly, if one wishes to retreat to a hut or remove one’s self to one’s own private island, such duties can be escaped. They cannot be escaped, however, in Greater Boston, for example.

Mr. Post agrees. He states that one of the fundamental rules of social group order is that we must compromise in order to succeed. This is true, he says, “in any relationship…most notably, the most important relationship of all: marriage.” Further, he states, human beings in a civil society need to act in a way that makes things work, rather than come to a screeching halt.

“Basically,” Mr. Post states, “people like to be liked.” For him, good manners and proper etiquette are the best route to being a truly likable man and, further, a man whom people will want to interact with again and again, whether in the world of business or the world of in-laws and impossible people.

Good manners are good not only because they adorn and enable personal success and harmonious group interaction, but because they are good in and of themselves. Rather than following up on this and entering into a lengthy philosophical discussion of “The Good,” and tracing the concept back to Plato, I spare Mr. Post my ramblings and agree, thinking that the best course of action to build relationships is to let the man get back to work.

Perhaps, a bit of his wisdom is rubbing off on me already. 

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View Mr. Post’s bio, here. More information about the Emily Post Institute, here. All of Mr. Post’s books, here.